who were you then
and who are you now
you can't pretend
that you can figure it all out
subtract out the impact
and the fall is all you get
so it takes two beers to remember now
and three more to forget
I loved you so
yeah, I loved you, so what
-- Ani DiFranco
Last night I had a dream. In the dream I saw an old friend who for some reason had some information about all the people that I've ever had a serious crush on or really liked. Basically, he told me that they all like me now and some of them would want to meet up with me sometime. Now I don't think this is really a sign of some kind of subconscious egotism hidden in me, as much as any dream is an indication of anything. I suppose you can interpret dreams however you want, but my point here isn't about THE interpretation of dreams.
Anyway, back to the dream.
In the dream, I only got to get into the details about one person who I later met in the dream. I shall name this person J. I haven't talked to J for years by now, so practically this is someone who I no longer know. I met J when I was really young, and through the years of our friendship, what I've had was a mix of admiration, fascination and longing towards J. I imagined what it could be like to be closer to J, and at times I desperately hoped for some attention. The ratio of all the above varied from time to time, but J had been on my mind on and off for a very long time. I never had the courage to bring it up, mostly because we weren't even that close, and also it was... I guess a little unconventional for me to start such a conversation. Then our paths just drifted further apart and any feelings towards J died along the way. Now given all that background info, you can imagine how surprised I was when my friend told me that J was interested. I remember thinking of what to say to J in my dream, and wondering how I should react in that situation. For a while I thought about what I had wanted for a long time, and given the kind of person J is now, saying no was a silly choice. In many ways it would just be what most people want and what most people would say yes to. But eventually what I came up with really was "why are you telling me this now? Do you have any idea how long I've liked you for? And do you even know me now?" I don't remember if I said that to J in my dream, but I know that I woke up before I got any answer.
I'm not sure how I felt in the dream. Maybe I was a little angry, a little frustrated and a little resigned. Maybe I was flattered, or overwhelmed by the surprise, and maybe even happy.
When I woke up my first feeling was, "whoa, what was that?" Then I thought, "hmm, kinda weird. I'm hungry." On went the day.
Now that I'm starting to think about it again, of all the people that I have ever liked or even loved, is there someone who I'd want to be with right now? After many if's and maybe's, ultimately the answer is no. Maybe if we were both the way we were when I had those feelings, but that's a "maybe if". I wonder if I had changed, or if they had changed. Probably both, and somehow in between changes, things that could have became not-in-a-million-years. But if things change all the time, then how do you stay with one person for the rest of your life? Maybe finding the right person means finding a person who would change with you, who would grow in his/her own way but still be compatible with how you grow, whose growth, together with yours, can keep things interesting all the time. Or maybe that's just one way of doing things. Maybe for people who never settle with one person, they just change in ways such that not one person can keep up with them, but someone could complement them at each stage. So once they move on to another stage, someone else will have to fill that place.
Hmmm, I think I'm confusing myself.
Anyhow, I think the point that I was going to make was that I suddenly realised how much I have changed over the years, and how the change is in some ways reflected in the people that I have liked and loved. A part of who I have become resulted from loving, being loved, and having my heart broken and pieced back together again.