The trip to Zambia wasn't really real to me when I first signed up for it. I was nervous when Nikki called to interview me. I wanted to go so badly, but didn't know why exactly. When she told me I was in at the end of the 15 minute phonecall, I wasn't really sure if I heard her correctly because it seemed too easy (turned out that she rejected about 40 people.)
During the preparation period, the team members emailed back and forth to get to know each other, and Nikki kept us updated on the official stuff. Everyone got more and more excited as the departure date drew near, and suddenly I felt that my enthusiasm paled in comparison. I wondered if everything was ok, and I wondered if I knew what I was doing. People around me were more excited for me than I was myself.
Because of school and everything (like personal drama that I seem to drag myself into all the time), I pushed my preparation work back until after exams were over. I organised the trip amidst the chaos of finding a new apartment and moving into it from the house. When I left for the trip I felt unprepared, but dates were set and I had to go (though I think I would still have felt unprepared if I had extra time.)
On the way to the airport I finally felt the excitement that were pouring from everyone's emails. I was also a nervous wreck. "Something must be missing, something important." When I was at my gate, about to board the plane to London, I panicked. I thought I had forgotten to take my malaria pills with me. When I emptied my backpack to look for them, I ran through all the possible scenarios in my head. Do I miss the plane and go home? Do I try to get myself something when I get to London? Will Nikki be able to do anything? Will I have to stay in London? Will I get to go to Zambia at all?? Then I found the pills in a smaller bag I had in my backpack. After that episode, my anxieties disappeared, but I still didn't know what I was expecting.
On the flight to London, I wrote in my journal,
"I don't know if I'm anticipating some sort of magical transformation. I don't know if I'll be disappointed. I don't know if it will be too much for me to handle, if I'd be creating what I want to see there, or if I'd hesitate to step into another world.. I wonder if I'll fall in love with the place, like so many others do. It would be too cheesy to, but it would seem like I missed something important if I didn't."
I knew not what to expect, but had some expectations floating in the back of my head anyway.
On the flight to Lusaka, we flew by a storm cloud. Sparks of lightning lit up parts of it, one after another. The pattern was random, yet also seemed orchestrated. I've seen storm clouds before, on TV, in movies, but never in real life, on a plane, out the window. I could see the contours of the cloud, and sometimes where a spark began and where it ended. I was speechless. I didn't quite understand why, but seeing that gave me a good feeling about the trip and finally settled me down. Maybe it was being able to feel the awe of seeing it even after seeing the same sight numerous time on screen. Perhaps just like that, after seeing pictures and videos of Zambia and hearing things about the land, the real thing, when I saw it, would still be real.
And from then on, one thing led to the next, with barely any space in between for me to catch my breath. 3 weeks went by in a flash, and now the whole trip seems like a dream, something that never happened. When I look around I see no hint of it, and if someone was to tell me that I just woke up from a long nap, it may not take too much convincing for me to believe it. Except deep inside I know that the eyes I now see with have changed because they have seen something new, and my heart will never be the same as it was before. And maybe that's the effect of dreams on you, especially ones as good as the one I had. When you wake up from it, it leaves you in that bittersweetness for the rest of the day.