Just when I thought I can give it a rest, that I can allow myself to pretend for maybe two days that I'm really a normal manly white heterosexual man (i.e. just exist in society as the societal NORM), I come across news articles and blog posts (AND brilliantly stimulating conversations that seem to only ever occur when one is desperately trying to procrastinate) that lob me all the way to the other end and make me feel that every day spent silent as a masculine-outside-girly-inside asian lesbian is a disservice to, well, everyone else who isn't in the white heterosexual male norm.
It actually kind of started when I saw this Toyota Corolla ad on the internet in which a dad and the daughter are sitting on a porch, presumably waiting for her new boyfriend to pick her up. The ride arrives in a Toyota Corolla, and when the dad sees it, he immediately says, "I like him," and just stands up and goes back into the house. The daughter is somewhat surprised that he doesn't feel the need to actually meet her new lover, but then happily hops into the car and greets her girlfriend with a kiss.
I thought it was the cutest thing ever and was happy that this was actually an ad produced by a mainstream company. But then I scrolled down and read some comments people left about the video and went, "oh right. Some people hate gay people, and wouldn't find this cute at all. In fact, they'd find it disturbing. TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT!"
Sometimes I forget that the university community is a highly selected population, that Vancouver is a relatively liberal city, that Canada is one of the few countries in the world that tries consciously to honour pluralism in its federal policies and that I am incredibly lucky to have loving, open-minded and accepting friends and family.
Another day I was reading something, (or doing something, or possibly daydreaming, I don't remember which,) when it suddenly hit me that yes, in my own life I'm trying to fight violence against women, to establish that gay people are equally human and should be respected as such, to somehow bring the world closer to equality, harmony and peace, and I'm striving to live as close to an example of all that every day. But even though occasionally I'd congratulate myself for having contributed to raising $4500 towards community projects that help cope with the AIDS pandemic, getting one more person interested in stopping gendered violence or making one person feel significant and heard for at least 20 minutes in one day, eventually, inevitably, I realize how little that really is.
And maybe that's the perfectionist's syndrome of not being happy with anything until it's perfect, of having to pick at everything until there are no flaws left to pick at. The motion to re-open the debate on same-sex marriage was defeated 175-123 in parliament. Yes, but 123 MPs voted for it.
The world is so big and sometimes that makes me feel so ridiculously small and futile in my endeavours. The thing is, with everything that I have been given, I can easily live a comfortable life and pass as normal. It's almost like I'm masochistically choosing to feel miserable over all this.
But on the other hand, every time I avoid talking about the fact that I'm gay (especially with some one I know), and whenever I feel scared, or at least more alert, when I walk alone and come across a group of guys, I feel defeated. And I think if I had chosen to feel "comfortable," this feeling of defeat would only best translate into insignificance or powerlessness. Helplessness. So weighing all that, I think I'd rather feel defeated.
Some days I do feel that we're making progress, but deep inside I'm worried that it's only an illusion given by my ultra sheltered social space, that within this bubble we're arranging and re-arranging the way we think society is and we're only making it look prettier on an abstract level, far, far detached from the real world out there. And my greatest fear is that one day when I leave this space and go outside, I won't survive.
So back to being silent. The trouble with being vocal or political or activisty (however you want to call it) is that it wears you down. And it's not just fighting for whatever it is that you're trying to fight for. It's also having to tread that thin line between being rightfully angry and overly dramatic, between being politically correct and resorting to euphemisms, between demanding for what is lacking and being whiney about it. Being respectful and at the same time not come off as begging. Being honest and not come off as offensive.
As a masculine-outside-girly-inside asian lesbian humanist I, by definition, cannot remain silent or accept to be invisible for even a second. But one can only live that for so long before going insane, so I take vacations in the white heterosexual male headspace. It's an easier space to occupy, but like white sandy beaches and palm trees in Hawaii, it's not home. (I don't think any one who lives in Hawaii reads this blog, but in case there is, imagine some other place you'd go for vacations.)
I'm not sure I really covered what I originally wanted to write about, because this blog post from Margaret Cho's blog on a "man in the women's room!" incident is really what got me started, but now that I've written a whole post I still can't find a good place to fit it in, so here it is. It's just always interesting for me to read about other people's gender troubles with bathrooms because 1) it makes me feel that I'm not completely alone and 2) it's nice to see how some one else sees a similar situation and how that person has learned to handle it.