I'm trying to look back in my diary and find the day we first met. I have vague recollections of that day, indefinite in my timeline. It might have been spring, or summer; it could have been at a mutual friend's birthday, or a group outing to a play or something.
I keep finding little one-liner comments about everyone else. "She's kinda cute" or "he's really cool," but nothing about you. Did I think it trivial, our meeting, back then? Was there nothing remarkable? I really want to know what went through my head, dammit.
This makes me feel like I should record every single detail of my life, every second. How do I know what will be important in the future? I don't, so just in case I need to know, like now, I'll have something to go back to. It always works backwards, hey? Something happens, you go back in time, try to find reasons to explain it. But each moment spent reinventing the past is a moment spent in the present. So what does that make it? I record my time trying to remember a time that came before that. I think I'm confusing myself here, and getting a little off track, because that little philosophical outburst has nothing to do with you. I mean, it does, because that's what I do when I'm trying to avoid thinking about things. I launch into philosophical debates with myself.
So back to you. When did we meet? was it raining that day, or sunny? By probability, it could be anything at that time of the year in Vancouver, but 50/50 doesn't tell me much (that's why they call it an uninformative prior). I thought I had the story of us, but then I started really thinking about it, and realized that I'm making half of it up. Looking back I should've taken notice of a few more things. But I honestly can't remember, so I create a story to tell. I need a way of making sense of things now, because there has to be more; there has to be a long, detailed, epic story, a story of when how and why I fell in love. I'm a rational person, have always been, so it drives me nuts when I can't lay this all out nice and neat in front of me. I don't understand this and I feel like I'm out of control when I don't; I just need, need to make sense of why I'm so in love with you.