this one is real; relatively anyway compared to most things i let myself write here. breaking this promise to myself is perhaps the extent of selfishness i would allow myself for. but i need it somehow, an exaggerated dramatic therapeutic post. i thought about how you might possibly hate me for this, but then i thought if i could forgive you, maybe you can forgive me too. you got your therapy, now i need mine. so here goes.
i really don't know why i'm upset. maybe it's the feeling of losing what could be, having to give up on something great that might happen. but who's to say that? who knows what's going to happen? yet it happened, that moment, and maybe it was at least beautiful while it lasted, if temporary; real, if unrealistic. "it just happened," as if everything else required planning, that everything else was deliberate, save for this accidental unplanned moment that somehow fit itself in there between everything and it just felt right. Unplanned, accidental, but in all the uncertainty and randomness we somehow ended up there together, with each other, defying all laws that would have kept us apart. it was bad timing. But what's timing? as if things have an order in which they're supposed to happen, and somehow we slipped past and through them and arrived at a plane in a different dimension. a parallel universe, like you said.
so given all that, what is one night? one... something. Once seems so finite, so isolated, so... questionable in that it-might-all-just-be-in-my-head way. Yet if i am not mistaken there was a reason why you held on to me when i said i should go, at 5am. if you were kind you would have told me to go before i even asked; if i were kind to myself i would not have gone there in the first place. and so now i mourn the death of something unborn, and i suppose it's not really the feeling of losing something, because given our almost non-existent history there isn't really anything substancial between us to speak of; it's more the loss of a potential. like a fully charged battery unused. and you know how i feel about potentials, especially ones involving elements of my life.
i almost wish you hadn't said it meant something to you too. otherwise i can just convince myself that it was just another creation of my overactive mind. it was a little cruel of you, but i guess we all try to be honest somehow. either way it doesn't matter, like i said so many times, because you drew the bottom line and there is nothing i can do about it, like i can't stop the sun from rising or prevent the apple from falling. i know maybe i sound angry or frustrated. i am, but not with you, since i seem incapable of being angry with anyone even though sometimes i think things would be simpler for me if i could. so like isaac newton i just sit and observe, drawing up explanations for why and how, and i think i can understand what you're doing. and i respect that. if anything i think i'm frustrated with myself for possibly ruining something else that could have been great too.
i don't think i have a point, really, but i'll say that i'll take the leap of faith and believe that things will be ok in the end, whatever it may be. in retrospect, all this is becoming inreasingly silly and ridiculous, and every time i think about it i feel less stupid myself and a little more amused. so if anything at least i know i'll be ok. i hope you will be too in your own way, and i won't bet my money on this but if this was all meant to be somehow, then maybe there will be a time that's good for it. i guess we'll see.