I didn't realize that it is that time of the year again. Not until I saw some highschool kids on campus for the annual Physics Olympics. Four days from now it would have been 2 full years, but somewhere along the way, between the months and days, I stopped counting. Maybe because I had to, not that I wanted to, but either way, I did.
And along with that, I stopped contemplating a future, what could be, and accepted what could never be. Sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself for being so naive and silly, for letting my imagination carry me away. Sometimes I kick myself for making such an obvious mistake, but I guess we all do that once in a while, and all we can do is send our frustration away with a little "WTF??" and move on. I promised myself "never again", but deep down I'm scared to death by my own ghost, my ghost in the form of you, your smile, my tears, your touch, my heart beat, your betrayal..
Two years ago, it was exciting, and now I wonder if I'll ever feel that excitement again; two years ago I lost my mind, now I wonder if I'll ever find it again; two years ago was a crossroad, now I wonder if I had taken the wrong path, and if I had made a mistake with a price I'll spend the rest of my life paying for; two years ago you said, "no matter what, something will be different when you walk out that door," and now I wonder if it would have been better if it had been different in a different way.
Two years ago I never thought I'd be where I am now, two years later. I'm not sure if I would be better standing anywhere else, and maybe you were a necessary step that I had to take. I tried hard to rationalise it, but it was like trying to capture a cloud with a net, or my dog trying to pick up a snowball that we threw. It was there, but it wasn't. The harder I tried, the further I fell, and sometimes I ended up biting myself. Then I learned that the snowball was never there. There was snow, but the ball... was just a temporary shape.
Two years after, I've grown. Maybe a little jaded, maybe a little shaken, maybe in a way that is less than good, but that's me, the mistakes I've made become part of me, and who knows? Maybe I am a little less than good..
And I still can't seem to find
A simple way to say goodbye
I'm not the kind for regrets
Was there something I wanted to forget?
Either way you'd already made up your mind
It's a matter of faith
Shut your eyes and believe that it will take
Though it's hard with these doubts, I know with no doubt,
That you're resting somewhere great
-- Say Goodbye (Girlyman)