I remember one of the first times I felt out of place
Boys on the team used to tease the girls on the team
Except for me, who somehow got the job to defend the girls
and wrestle with the boys
I took it as an honour at first
until we got older and teasing turned into affection
then suddenly I couldn't figure out which side I was on
I remember another time when I first wished I were someone else
I was with my first girlfriend then
and it was a time when "social consciousness" finds you and haunts you
and you feel the overwhelming need to be normal
I kissed her softly on the lips that afternoon
then in a half-serious tone I whispered to her, "I wish I were a boy."
But I knew that I didn't really; I just wished we were like the others
I remember the first time I felt that my parents weren't exactly pround of me
In a moment of anger and desperation I finally came out to them
Over the phone I cried, it's not fair, we're just as normal
and from the other end came an attempt to console or reason
(I'm not sure which) saying, well, technically, it's not.
And they went on trying to understand the science, being scientists themselves
I'm not sure they understood the blood and flesh of it; their own daughter
What I don't remember, actually, is what it feels like, being normal
And I don't remember the last time I felt content
not wishing that things were simpler, easier
I don't remember the last time my parents looked at me
without concern on their faces, worrying over my happiness
(Sometimes I worry about theirs)
or the last time I felt proud of something I have done
And if you were to ask me to be who I was then
I'd tell you that I don't remember how