How do you measure 20 years?
I've officially turned 20. For the past couple of weeks I've been repeatedly reminded of how old being 20 is, and I recall thinking how grown up 20 year-olds are supposed to be. But what how long is 20 years? How OLD are you when you're 20? In the past 20 years we have witnessed the end of the Cold War and the fall of the Berlin Wall, Band Aid, Live Aid and Live 8, the emergence of AIDS, the cloning of Dolly the sheep, the rise of digital and communication technology, the appearance of Amazon.com and eBay, the invention of "reality TV", and the list goes on, but most important of all, of course, is my birth. Because without me, there'd be no Stine, without Stine there can be no Stine's Space, and you'd just be staring into blank space right now. Anyway, moving right along (before you figure out that the last sentence made no logical sense)..
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
I love sunsets, and more than that, I love pictures of sunsets, the attempt to capture that moment in time. I try to take pictures myself, but most of the time my camera's not within reach, or I feel too lazy to go grab it and go out. "There will be another sunset, sometime, somewhere," I always tell myself. So day after day, the sun rises, the sun sets, days slip by. And over 7000 sunsets later, some remain in my mind, but most are lost in time. By now I understand that the unit of time is entirely arbitrary, but the concept of time, no matter how we frame it, is there. And I've tried to draw the relationship between time and memory, if one dictates the other, if they are interdependent, if we'd be aware of the passage of time without memory, if we can construct our memories without time. And I wonder if we're always stuck in time, if we have to exist in it and can never jump outside of it, like we do in the other 3 dimensions of space. We organize our lives in hours, in days, weeks and years, but isn't that just a product of our need for structure. But we're trapped; there isn't a moment that stands in isolation to time, unconstrained, uncontained, undefined...
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
I've probably walked thousands or millions of miles, and possibily swam the same amount (ok, that was probably an exaggeration, but anyway). I've been to places, seen people, and witnessed events. Some people say experience is what shapes a man, but counting and recounting all the events that I have gone through, I can't seem to find myself in the number, or in a simple description of "a life changing moment". An employer is interested in my background experience, med school is interested in my achievements, a potential friend or lover is interested in my emotional history. But when I ask myself, "who are you?" I don't look at my resume or my transcript, and I don't try to recall how I reacted to a certain event and say, "that's who I am." I'm not a simple sum of tears I've shed and laughters I've let out. Here I am, 20 years of me, and I'm not sure I have a straight forward answer to the question of who I am, measured in experience, at 20 years of age, with 2 decades of stupidity and, maybe from that, a bit of accumulated wisdom.
How about love? Measure in love
As cheesy and sappy as it sounds, I think this year I want to measure my life in love. I've been lucky to be surrounded by wonderful people in my life (though whether I realize that they are there is another matter). There are ones that stood by me even in my darkest hours, even when, stuck in my own selfishness and ego, I forgot that they were there. One of the many times we said goodbye, my dad reminded me that what's important in my life are people who love me, not those who don't. Over the last 20 years I was nurtured by people who cared about me, and what I am now is a product of their love. And in return I am also my capacity to love, regardless of the risk of betrayal, and my ability to embrace life, no matter how vulnerable it may be.
Measure in love, a free, nonjudgmental, unconditional, selfless and timeless love, because love is what keeps us together, love is our reason to forgive, love is our motivation to hope, love is the power to create, and "love is a many splendid thing, love lift us up where we belong," and really.. "all you need is love." </sappy>