I saw you today, she typed, in the hallway outside the music room.
For a while I talked to her but had no face to associate the name with, while she could track me in school and at the end of the day told me about the close non-encounters we had, the ones I never knew about. I finally asked her one day about what I had been hearing from others, and shyly she admitted it. That phonecall turned into my first relationship, my first kiss, my first love, which ended the day I suddenly became aware, and became the indifferent lover who betrayed herself and someone else's heart.
Hey lil' sis, he said, what's going on?
I looked up and saw the sunshine in his eyes, and the playful smirk that curled the corner of his lips. Hey yourself, I replied casually. As casually as I could have, rather. What he never knew was the secret admiration I kept deep within me, but even if he did, it probably wouldn't distinguish itself from all the eyes that laid upon him with longing. I came close to confessing to him on several occassions, but never did. He'd always just think of me as an adopted sister, and nothing more. I convinced myself that it was better off that way.
Good morning, sunshine! she whispered into my ear.
I turned around to her voice, and to the subtle touch that we were afraid would give away our secret to everyone around us, but could not bear to be deprived of. We spent countless days and nights together, alone, in our own world. It was ours, then, the world. We had no eyes to see the judgment placed upon us, or the self-consciousness to feel the weight of the disapproving gaze from passerbys. Until, again, her awareness rose to the surface, and what we shared was crushed by the pressure that came with being part of society, which we inevitably had to admit we were part of.
What are you thinking right now? I asked in the darkness.
Though I could not see him, I felt the smile that stretched across his face and him turning his head to face me. A soft chuckle was all I got as an answer, but I suppose it was enough. There was always something left unspoken between us, something we never dared to touch. Something that was perhaps too much for him to admit, and too illogical for me to accept. My feelings swung between an instinctive hatred out of self-protection and a natural attachment to an undefined understanding. Maybe things would be different now if history had been different. But history is what it is -- in the past, concrete.
Um, I don't know, she hesitated, but it feels kinda nice.
But already I could see the confusion that was starting to cloud her eyes as the early morning light flooded my room. All night my heart danced along the line between right and wrong, and was crossed with contradicting signals. The heart gained the upper hand in the constant battle with the head, and that night we walked down the path that forever changed the course of our lives: the part of my life with her in it, and the same for her. Know how sometimes you make choices that you end up regretting? Then had to suffer the consequences of being stupid? That was what it was, with her.
.. well.. whatever, fuck you, you said, with a grin on your face.
For a second I contemplated stealing a line from Shane and saying, "sure, if you want," but decided that it would sound WAY too cheesy coming from me, and it would sound stupid because chances are, you have already heard it too. The first time I saw you, you came running aroud the corner, stopped and tried to catch your breath. 6 hours before that moment, I told someone I didn't think I was ready for relationships. 6 hours later I found myself sitting there wondering. The music started and everyone in the room settled their gaze onto the stage, but from time to time you turned around and smiled at me. For the rest of the night I wondered if it could be real.
Your message came in my inbox, I really like you, but..
What fills the rest is always a codeword for something else. Most of the time anyway, and when I had said it once to someone else. But coming from you it could really mean what you said, and though a part of me tells me to just take it as what it means most of the time, I can't help but hope that if it is the case, then you would have said so more bluntly. Bu whichever it was, I hope this will not be the end of this paragraph..