It felt like it was one of his last measures to save himself from the misery and darkness that he had been trying to shake off. In another attempt to make sense of this downfall, this heartbreak, and to seek the one cure that he had failed to find in 3 months, he came to me, as if my survival is an evidence of some kind of accumulated wisdom.
why do you think was it so hard for you?
Because I loved her? but I don't remember why I loved her. They say that love has no reasons anyway. He kept on suggesting possible explanations. Maybe it was because when you were together, you felt that this was it, this was going to be forever. Maybe. Maybe it was because it was going well all along.. then suddenly it just ended. Maybe. I chipped in here and there, but frankly it wasn't so much a question that I wanted answers for so I didn't really put that much thought into it. It was hard, I don't know why, but I got through it, now I'm fine.
I mean, what was I going to tell him? That in the closeted world, coming across a relationship is more difficult than any metaphors that exist can describe, let alone one as beautiful as ours? That the few times we felt safe enough to hold hands, it felt like the world was just made for us? That we loved each other so much that when we made love we started crying because we were so happy? That I needed her there to love me because at the time I felt that there was no one else in the world whose love I could be sure about? But he wasn't asking me how much I loved her.
I think she goes out with people she admires, and she really admired you. I was kind of a filler.. I was never quite good enough. She pretty much told me that I sucked, and I can't argue that she was completely wrong... you? I think the reason why she broke up with you really was just simply because she couldn't be going out with a girl.
I told him maybe I had it easier - I could externalize my anger and frustration, take it out on how unfair the world is and all that. I was spared the process of self-hatred. He was plagued with a million versions of "if only I had done/known..." when I just had to accept the plain reality that I am not a guy and there was nothing I could do about it. But all the same, I didn't really need to hear that. Maybe, maybe that was the only reason. Maybe not. Maybe she would have told me that I sucked too. But does it really matter? She loved me, so what?
Truth is, I've forgotten more than I thought I did. I sat there thinking that I was once in his place too, and I tried to remember what it was like but couldn't. I didn't know what to say to make him feel better, and at the same time I caught myself thinking it absurd to want to comfort him. This was a man who was everything that I wasn't and couldn't be (which was my downfall and eventually his), the person who had been my object of anger for so long.. but no one deserves that. Not even him.
It'll be ok, you'll see. You'll love again all the same.